Thursday, August 28, 2008

Full Day of Food.....Unbanded

So for this entry its going to be all about food. I am currently in Houston for a tourney at Rice University. So one of the reason why I was so disappointed with being banded for an extra week was that I wanted to have a week of practice eating under my belt before heading off on this trip. This left me less than 8 hours to see what I could do. Things so far is a lot better than I expected with a few roadblocks.

Breakfast:
We headed for breakfast in the hotel at 9am where we ordered from the menu. At home I do not go for a huge meal and on the road I typically go for the oatmeal or a small breakfast that would sustain me till lunch. I took a gander at the menu and noticed that I would struggle eating half of it until I saw a few items that I do like. I ended up ordering a small bowl of oatmeal and brown sugar, 2 soft scrambled eggs, coffee and a yogurt. Two things to note. This was the first time since surgery that I have had coffee and my stomach isn't used to eating so much foods that I became full fairly quickly. I didn't even touch the yogurt let alone finish the oatmeal. I devoured the eggs. It felt like this was the best meal ever.

Lunch:

We headed to the mall as with most female teams, they want to shop. I went along with the staff and we went to jamba juice. I originally thought that I would grow sick of smoothies since I had at least one every day for 5 weeks. Surprisingly it was ok. I ordered an aloha pineapple with a shot of whey protein and a cranberry orange mini loaf. The task was to see if I could handle the loaf (which was pretty much a muffin in the shape of a loaf). To my surprise, I was able to eat it with minor to no issues. Granted it took about 20min to eat since I had to pinch of small pieces but again it was pretty good.

Dinner:

Since we are in texas, we opted for a good Steakhouse. I knew I wouldn't be able to eat a steak but good thing there is fish. Looking at the menu, I pretty much ruled out 80% of the items. Knowing I wouldn't be able to eat much I had to find things that I would be able to eat and sustain me till bedtime. We were served monkey bread which was very delicious. I noticed that the soft inside portions was very easy to eat and did not require much chewing. I would typically have a salad but veggies would be a nightmare to chew since they aren't cooked so I thought soup would be a great idea. On the menu there was one soup that caught my eye which is the split pea soup. This soup never really appealed to me before so since it said "our famous soup" I thought I would give it a try. I was glad I did. I do like peas and this split pea soup was very flavorful. It came with 4 croutons and I knew I wouldn't be able to take on those so I made sure to soak them in the soup to soften for consumption later. When looking at the menu for the main course, I noticed two types of fish that I was interested in: the mahi mahi and the wild salmon. We asked the server for a recommendation of the two and he opted for the salmon. So salmon it was and it was great. I was shocked at how easy it was to eat. It melted in my mouth along with the side of whipped potatoes. I was in heaven.

An Aside:

During dinner, we had a visit by 3 time olympian (Walton) Glenn Eller. He won a gold medal in Beijing and wanted to meet the team. He actually had the medal with him. The girls weren't impressed with he came to the table as no one knew who he was. When it was announced by the manager that he was an olympian and that he had won a gold medal, the girls went nuts. He had the medal with him and he actually left the medal with them so they could take pics of it and what not. I was surprised that he actually left so the girls could play around with it. After seeing the medal on tv through out the olympics, I must admit it was cool to see it close up.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Im Free!!!

I never thought the day would come. The day of when I would finally be released from the things that have held my mouth closed for 34 days and yes I counted. Every since I was told that I would have to be banded tightly for 3 extra weeks than expected, I literally became depressed. My friends today were telling me that they could tell I wasn't my normal happy self. Well I wasn't happy and I wouldn't say I was depressed. I was disappointed that I got my hopes up when I shouldn't. I went into today's appointment thinking I would get these bands off but I was prepared for them to stay but I wasn't going down without a fight. Not this time.

So today was a crazy hectic day for me. I woke up for a 7am meeting, ran home to eat (er..drink LOL) and then headed off to the appointment. I made it well before my appointment time and after 15min I was called back. After 10 minutes, a new fellow who I haven't met before comes in and takes a complete history. She apologized that she was going over everything but felt it was necessary since she hasn't seen me before. Everything looked good to her and she asked what was my chief complaint. I clearly stated through clenched teeth "These rubber bands!" We both laugh and she said she will make sure Dr Edwards understood. So she heads out to update him. So I read while I wait and I notice that time is slowly ticking away and there is no sign of the doc. Other techs were poking their head in to check up on me and made jokes about me finishing my book before I would get to see the doctor. I didn't really find this funny because it was now 2 hours and I haven't seen the doctor yet. So around 2 hours and 15min, Dr Edwards walks in with his crew and apologizes for being late. He looked like he's been running from patient from patient all morning. Basically he was overbooked with patients. Once I heard this I understood and was no longer upset. I just wish someone would have told me earlier. Anyway, he checked my sutures and my bite. Said everything looked good. He asked about my numbness and said everything from the itchiness, short stabs of pain, tingling, etc are all good signs. The fellow informed him of my chief complaint and Dr Edwards laughed and said "Well I have some good news, you are definitely getting out of those bands". It was music to my ears and I couldn't help but to have the biggest smile ever. I had to contain my smile as he removed each dreaded band. LOL He checked my bite a few times and started to say he will add one band on each side but in mid speech he checked my bite again and changed his mind. He said he likes my bite and thinks I didn't need them. I couldn't believe it. He said I can progress slowly to solid foods but to take things slowly. He said I do not need to come next week for my 6th week follow up but to schedule an appointment for my 10th week. He said I do not really need to be seen unless I am having trouble with my bite and range of motion. He say he wanted to see me once I had my braces removed. I had a couple of xrays and pics taken and was finally sent on my way.

It was now 3 hours later and I headed off to work. Everyone gave me a warm reception. They seemed so happy for me which caught me by surprised. Really showed me that everyone understood my frustration. It is strange to talk again with this new bite and I am still lacking a bit of ROM. I am at 1.5 finger widths so I can just fit a fork/spoon to each. My first meal was a naked ancho chile chicken burito from Qdoba. I found out that I could most of it but struggled with the chicken and the pinto beans. I need to mush them with the fork to be able to eat it. Rice was perfect and the cookie was no problem. I had pizza that night and leaned pretty fast that it wasn't a good idea. I won't lie, I did bite into the pizza and it was so cool (and weird) to bite into something with a normal bite. I didn't really chew the pizza which was the problem. Pizza isn't the most ideal thing to eat on a soft food idea. Chalk one up for lesson learned. The day reminded me of my first week at home after surgery. That week I had to learn what tasted good in liquid form so now I need to find out what soft foods to eat. All in all, I do not have any complaints. Im just happy to be able to talk and to be able to eat with utensils and not a straw. LOL

Thursday, August 14, 2008

To Sneeze or Not to Sneeze?

Ok when people tell me that I have thought and prepared for everything, I think I now believe them. So for the past 7 years I have been working on health. I knew I needed braces, I knew I needed oral surgery, and I knew I wanted lasik surgery. But before I did any of those, I opted for immunotherapy for allergies. Ever since I can remember, I grew up with allergies. No known food allergies but to grass, pollen, dust, mold, etc. As a child, I only had to worry about ragweed in august and september. My allergic reactions were moderate when I was younger but as I aged the severity lessened but I found that I was reacting to more things through out the year. So I felt it was time to get tested and see what happened. The test itself was one of the most uncomfortable things I have ever experience. Yes even after oral surgery. Just imagine someone poking various allergens in your back and watching the reactions. The worse part is I reacted fairly quickly. Some immediately while others took less than 5min. Unfortunately for me, the protocol is to wait 20min! My eyes watered due to the intense itchiness and I left a huge pool of sweat.

Well I underwent immunotherapy for over 4 years and yes it does work. But you have to deal with injections weekly for the first 6 months then biweekly then monthly. Needles do not bother me but after awhile it gets annoying especially when I had to shots in each arm. LOL So I finished up in may. And have noticed a huge difference. I rarely take allergy meds and its usually my eyes that only itch on occasion.

There is a point to all of this. LOL Well august is usually the worst month for me due to all of the ragweed and we have been getting great weather 70s and low 80s which ragweed loves. I have been working and thinking about surgery so much that I never though about my allergies post surgery until I was discharged. So I started to worry a little. The thought of being banded shut with intense TMJ pain and sneezing didn't sound appealing to me. I was worried mainly because when I sneeze, its not just a small sneeze. The earth tends to shake and I nearly explode. So I started to worry. LOL But soon those worries went away because I realized that I never had to sneeze for some odd reason. My biggest concern was pain and trying to yawn. LOL

Today was different. A coworker sneezed pretty hard today and I realized that I haven't sneezed in over 3 weeks. I stated to my coworker and she was shocked as was I. So I had the afternoon off and settled down to have late lunch at home. As soon as I sat down I felt the urge to sneeze. I didn't sneeze once, nor twice but three times! Once it was over, I realized that it wasn't all that bad. I am just happy that this happened today than 3 weeks ago.

So I wrote this huge entry to merely state that sneezing while being banded shut isn't all too bad. LOL

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

DENIED!!!

This entry will be short.

Well it seems that emergency visits are only for mondays so I will just have to wait until the 27th after all. Sucks in a way but its ok. I started a countdown on my fridge. 15 more days. LOL Sounds depressing but in essence its only 2 weeks and should fly by.

I also changed my orthodontist appointment. It was originally scheduled for the 20th but since I will be banded still the appointment would be useless. I will see him first week of September instead. It would be cool to see the ortho in the same day. Would be awesome to have rubber bands and surgical hooks removed. But at this point, my appointments with the OS is so unpredictable that I think it would be best to wait and see what happens on the 27th.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Banded Mouth:1 Me:0

Well I have been counting down the days from last wednesday. I couldn't wait to see Dr Edwards and maybe have these bands removed or at least be told to come back next wednesday which would be 28days post op (4weeks). But alas none of that happened today. I go in and have one of the fellows take a look in my mouth. The sutures look good and incision is healing well. Dr Edwards wanted xrays so I get taken back. Dr Edwards walks in while I was in the xray room and comments that he doesn't see an open bite and that everything looks good. He is happy with my midline and my overall recovery. This was great news....until I go back to the evaluation room. The original resident Armond from last wednesday walks in and says my bite does look better but I would have to be banded tight 2 weeks from this wednesday. I was floored. I even asked to make sure he meant 2 wednesday away and not next wednesday. Armond stated I have to come back on the 27th. So this shatters my whole world. I immediately become depressed. I check out, schedule the date, and slowly head back to work. The nice thing was everyone was rooting for me at work and they all empathized with me when I told them the news. I moped around for several hours but now I am feeling better. On sunday, I had a rough time with some blended soup so this threw me back. I added some rice but the rice wasn't small enough to fit in small spaces in my teeth. I even tried the syringe and I ended up wearing the soup. LOL But today, I found that Campbell's chunky Chicken, Broccoli Cheese, and Potato soup is not only delicious, but when blended comes out very smooth. So I am now trying to put together a list of soups that blends well. Classic chunky chicken noodle works well also. Well if I had known I would be banded for 3 weeks, I might have decided to go for the other procedure where I would be wired shut for 6 weeks. But then again, I will only be banded like this for 3 weeks total so not too bad. I might call the office just to make sure I have to wait 2 more weeks. I am just worried about getting out of these rubber bands so late. I travel with work that weekend where meals will be in restaurants and sometimes we would get subs and chips. I am just hoping that I will be able to increase some ROM within 2-3 days so I can at least eat with a normal sized fork or spoon. And with a numb lip and chin, I am sure I will be wearing my food. LOL I am not worried about what foods to eat in restaurants. I will be fine with mashed potatoes, soups, and/or flaky fish. I was just wish I had at least a a week under my belt so that I could have some time work on ROM. Now that I am thinking of it, I think I will try to have the appointment date moved up to at least monday of that week instead of wednesday. I will call tomorrow to see if its possible. I know its not much but having at least 2 extra days will be helpful. I think it would be a good compromise. I need to hurry as that monday may be full.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

3 Days Banded Completely Shut...and counting

I would just like to say I hate being banded shut. LOL It truly does suck. I find myself looking in the mirror questioning my bite. I mean questioning everything. I do know that it will take an army to keep me banded shut when I go see the Dr Edwards on monday. I personally can not handle being shut like this. Eating is a huge pain and these rubber bands are a nuisance. I already broke a band on one side on friday. Not sure when it happened but probably in the morning since I found it broken at noon. I even found a piece of a rubber band on my tongue after having soup for lunch today. I freaked out a bit as I didn't know what it was. I managed to push the band between my teeth and pulled it out with some tweezers. I was shocked when I pulled at it and it stretched. This even didn't help matters either. Well the fellow did say he is attempting to fix an open bite on one side but at this point, I think I rather have my ortho take care of it. I mean, I can only handle one thing at a time. I can't deal with work, finding ways to eat, finding new things to eat, having mouth banded shut, trying to heal from jaw surgery, etc. I will be much happier if I can cut the being banded shut. Its been 16 days of liquids and I need to move on to some other foods. My teeth feel like they are fused. I can't move my jaw even 1mm. Not even a wiggle. I guess I am finally becoming jaded. I wish it is noon on monday so I can head to the clinic. LOL

The funny thing is I miss the simple things. My tongue is used to surveying everything in my mouth. Being restricted to the inside is frustrating. I can't lick my lips, can't really survey the inside of my mouth, can't check my braces with my tongue, nor check sutures (which in all honesty is probably is a good thing)

With all of this, I do not have any regrets....as of yet LOL My swelling is down and I can now feel the surgical site on my jaw. One thing I have noticed is that my cheeks have been sore. I wonder if its just muscle soreness. Well whatever it is, I hope to either be unbanded on monday or at least most of this mess taken off or I will be forced to do so myself. LOL

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

"THE" Follow Up

As you know I had my follow up today. It was an interesting appointment. I have come to learn that this clinic is really slow in all areas but that is medical clinics for you. Well I get in at10:45am for my 11am. I get called back at 11:10am. I sit around for about 20min then one of the residents came in and took a look. They have been working on shifting my lower jaw over since my midline of my lower jaw is off by 1.5mm. The resident wanted the chief resident to take a look as he didn't know what I should get next. He answered a few of my questions, took off my current bands, then left to get the chief resident who was in on my surgery.

SO FINALLY!!!! I WAS ABLE TO BRUSH THE INSIDE OF MY TEETH!!!! I think I brushed my teeth for 5min. I was in heaven. The resident kind of laughed at how fast I jumped up to brush my teeth.

The main doctor is off on vacation so the chief residents are running his clinic. Eventually the chief resident enters with several med med students. He took a look and is happy that my midline has progressed but not enough. So he added a few for rubber bands in different positions to see if it would hold. While I was waiting, I over hear one of the residents say "I do not know what to do to Mr Turner's mouth based on these molds". I thought to myself, thats the last thing that I would like to hear. After about 10-15min, the chief resident came back with less students and my molds. He explained that there is a slight open bite on my left side. He feels the orthodontist may be able to take care of it but feels we should take care of it now if we can. So he had one of the med students hold my molds while he applied the bands based off the molds. Now I am heavily banded. Before my appointment, I was able open my mouth a little. Now its completely closed. He wants hold everything tight into a good position and have my doctor take a look at it when he gets back on monday.

Normally I would be bummed about this turn oof events but surprisingly Im pretty cool with everything. The worst part is over (the surgery) so now all I have to do is recover and wait to see what the doctor will say on monday. I can't see it getting any worse than it is right now. I will just be sure to take some ibuprofen prior to my appointment just in case. LOL I am not in any pain. Being banded completely shut is uncomfortable but it feels similar as getting an adjustment by the orthodontist. I just feel a lot of pressure on each tooth from the bands. The good news is I will not have much time to worry about my mouth. I go back to work full time on friday and things will be pretty busy from here on out. And whenever I am busy with work, time really does begin to fly by.

Some questions the resident answered for me:

-Surgical hooks will be on for awhile (will assume off after week 4)
-Next ortho appointment at 8/20 is good
-Had plates put in and not screws
-Order of follow ups are 2, 4, 6, and 10 week intervals
-May have rubber bands removed at week 4 (only 2 more weeks!!!)
-I could technically eat soft foods now with the plates but want me to wait at least 4 weeks.
-Can finally stop peroxide/saline rinses for my incisions.

I might re-ask these questions again when I see the doctor on monday just to make sure.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Good Eats...

Well originally I wasn't planning on making a post today since my first post op is tomorrow. But today I have been thinking about food. Not all kinds of foods but my food and my diet. I am surprised that I haven't made a daily menu of the things I whip together. At least a drink of the day. I think I avoided this because time really does fly by. I remember not too long ago I was wishing and praying for a week to past then wishing for my post op to come and tomorrow is the day. Time flew! I hope it continues to fly because I need to eat some solid foods stat.

Well back to the subject. I find it funny that I bought a ton of stuff to prepare for my recovery. From juices, frozen fruits, peanut butter, chocolate syrup, canned fruit, etc. Eventually I grew tired of the same smoothies from my smoothie and juice book that I had to branch out for more. Ok I only use about 20% of this book because 80% is filled with juice/smoothie concoctions that I wouldn't give to my worse enemy. I mean who really wants a smoothie made with avocado? Not to mention that I had avocados. Just plain disgusting. Ok well I moved to online searches and I began to see more and more recipes calling for protein powder and surprisingly oatmeal. The funny thing is I bought a huge variety box of Quaker instant flavored oatmeal and it has been sitting on top of my fridge. I noticed it at the right time too because my body was getting used to these smoothies and I was becoming hungry after a couple hours of consumption.

So my diet consist of 3 blended smoothies with some "snacks" in between. For breakfast, I would whip up some kind of fruit smoothie. I make sure to add yogurt, soy milk, bananas, and now oatmeal. The oatmeal seems to help tide me over to lunch. I change up the juices and frozen fruits. I love frozen strawberries and pineapple juice. Sometimes I would touch off the drink with a splash of pomegranate juice. I have other juices and fruits but those mentioned seem to be the main stay. One thing that I do is I pulse the oatmeal first until its powder like with the centrum vitamin.

For lunch I would have something savory. Early on after surgery I had campbell's tomato soup. I made sure to pick up some sour cream and parmesan cheese to make it rich and creamy. Unfortunately I grew tired of this after the second day of it and needed something different. I also had chicken broth but with it being only 20 calories per can, it wouldn't last long in my system. So I knew I needed to go out and buy something else. But what? I had a can of beef stew a friend gave me when I was sick but I haven't eaten it because beef soup is the last thing anyone would want to eat when sick. LOL But seeing that can gave me an idea. I needed something hearty with noodles, rice, and potatoes. So I headed to the store and bought some chunky soups. I warmed it up in the microwave and blended it in the magic bullet. 4 days after surgery, I couldn't believe that I didn't think of blending soups to drink with a straw. My first soup was classic chicken noodle. At first sip, I was in heaven. It did taste different since everything was blended together but it was so good to have something other than tomato soup. Sadly I have like 20 cans of tomato soup. At least can goods can keep for some time and once I am debanded I will have a field day cooking different stuff with it. I even bought some baby gourmet potatoes to mix in with some of the soups for more carbs. I also remembered that I have a bunch of rice and cooked some up and added it to some vegetable soup. I even added chicken broth to the vegetable soup to help expand it and make it last a couple days.

I would usually get hungry several hours after lunch so I go for a snack. I would either come up with a juice or attack some applesauce with a straw. One time I blended some fresh watermelon, grape juice, and pomegranate juice together and it was interesting and tasty.

And lastly comes dinner. My dinner is not your normal dinner. At this point, I am tired of the healthy fruits and juices. I also do not crave anything savory. So I go for a milkshake. I made everything from vanilla, banana, chocolate, strawberry-chocolate, and even peanut butter-chocolate-and banana. I make it somewhat healthy by adding soy milk. I am slightly lactose intolerant so soy milk is perfect. I bought regular soy milk once and hated the taste but now I have vanilla flavored. I haven't tried the milk outside of a milkshake nor a smoothie so I do not know how it taste but I do know that I can't really tell when its mixed with other things.

I also drink 32 -48oz of water to make sure I stay hydrated. So in a nutshell that is my diet. So tomorrow will await to hear how my recovery is going. Hopefully all is well and I will be able to brush the inside of my teeth and possibly stop swishing with peroxide and saline.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Back to "Normal" with Elastics...

So its been 10 days and I am beginning to feel more like myself. I haven't really been in any pain aside from the occasional headache. Sometimes I would notice a sharp shooting pain in my right TMJ but that occurs when I suddenly move my jaw. Which brings me to the elastics. I think the elastic shifting my jaw is the culprit. The good news is my midline has shifted. It funny how I thought that it wouldn't work. I should have known better as elastics are used for a lot of things in orthodontics especially involving the jaw. It is amazing learning about the technological advances of oral care. But I do have slight issue. I think my midline is beginning to shift a little bit too much due to this dreaded elastic from hell. I am hoping that it doesn't cause problems. I think it will be more likely that at least this band will be removed at my follow up on wednesday. At least I am hoping it will be. I don't mind the other bands but band alone nearly drove me to tears. I think once this band is removed I will be able to progress to other foods aside from blended soups and smoothies. I would be able to open my mouth a little bit more and hopefully able to brush the inside of my teeth. LOL

Oh so the magic bullet is a blessing. It can liquiefy anything. Today I had a chunky potato soup with bacon bits and cheese. It was great. And tonight, I am excited as I have a treat. My favorite cake in the world is german chocolate cake. Under normal cicumstances (pre susrgery), I would eat this dedacent cake with some vanilla ice cream. I would even mash it up with the ice cream then eat it. But I have the ice cream and no cake. I had to go to the grocery store today for bananas so I thought I would pick up a few more things and maybe look for some cake. I headed to the local kroger and noticed immediately the store has been completely revamped. This has everything from a sushi bar, salad bar, to a new soup bar. Its even larger as it took over the store attached to it. I looked around and didn't really see any cakes that I would like to buy. I didn't want a whole cake so I settled for the 100 calorie pack of cupcakes by hostess. But I decided at the last minute before checking out to look one more time in the bakery. I noticed there was a table of sliced cakes. I looked through the pile and noticed there was one last package of GERMAN CHOCOLATE CAKE!!! I was so excited. I pick it up without hesitation and headed for the checkout. So on the ride home I cegan thinking of a way to enjoy this treat with my magic bullet. I felt that the ice cream and cake mixed together would still be too thick with a straw. Then I remembered my vanilla soy milk that I use for milkshakes. I could use soy milk to thin out the cake. Oh happy day! Its funny how the littlest things makes you happy. LOL Now if only I can find a way to enjoy chicago's Garett's popcorm while being banded up.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Sleepless In Michigan

So weird how things can change in a moment. So last nightg I decided to try sleeping in my bed. Well that didn't last very long. I laid in my bed tossing and turning for almost 2 hours as I couldn't find a comfortable position plus my right TMJ was acting up even though I took ibuprofen an hour before bed. So go to my good ol trusty recliner. For some reason this was working either but I did manage to sleep for several hours. At this point its like 5am and I am pretty groggy and I was in dire need of sleep. I headed for the last comfortable place in my apt. I am pretty lucky, I have a very comfortable couch. But then again both my bed and recliner are very comfortable too. So I laid down on my coach and pretty much passed out. At this point, I was too tired to care about my jaw. It was sore at first but then it stopped. I did manage to sleep for 4-5 hours on the couch so tonight I may try the couch first.

Ive been doing some online searches for smoothies. A google search yielded quite a few results. The unique thing that I have found is that I don't measure exact amounts according to recipes. I just add ingredients as I feel. The smoothies do turn out pretty well. And this morning I found a apple smoothie that called for applesauce, apple juice, orange juice, nutmeg, cinnamon. I did add a banana to add some calories, carbs, fiber, and a little protein.

I don't see any major changes today. The tip of my tongue still feels numb but the numbness feels the same of when your foot falls aslweep. Not the pins and needles nor the pain. Its very strange. I can tell its improving because I can feel the contours of the inside of my mouth. The part I hate most, and I know I sound like a broken record, is I can tell I really need to brush my teeth on the inside. My chin and bottom lip are the same as always. Although I did notice that my chin was feeling itchy. Its the same kind of itchiness I get when I need to shave so maybe I am slowly getting feeling back? We will just have to see. I still have a little bit of right ear pain. Feels like an ear infection and if I get up too fast I feel a little dizzy. This has been happening for the past 2-3 days and I am not sure if its normal but I will ask the OS when I see him at my follow up.

There is one unique thing that caught me by surprise while I was out walking the other day. While walking I notice that my teeth would touch each other as I walked. But the difference is my molars were touching. It was strange to hear the sound they made since only a couple of teeth touched for most my life. It was a very refreshing moment and I finally realized that I did the right thing in opting for surgery....Now if only I could have a steak